Adbusters has a great chronological history of the United States’ international interventions.

Clipless Pedals rock, um, sort of. I just got my rig set up with them and went for the virgin ride yesterday. They’re great, it’s like having an extra set of muscles to exploit while you’re pedaling.

When my roomate (who shall remain anonymous) told his story of taking a tumble when he couldn’t get out of his clipless pedals at a stop sign in time, I had to chuckle to myself. “That would never happen to me,” I thought to myself.

That made me feel extra stupid when I took a dive twice on my way to work this morning. The second one was the most humiliating. I haven’t taken any spills on the bike, so being downtown and having concerned pedestrians saying “Are you OK?!” definitely cramped my style. If my judgement for unhooking from the pedals doesn’t improve, I’m going to invest in some training wheels.

LocalHikes has listings and reviews for hikes all over the place. Check it out.

In a timely reaction to the recent bombings in London, and perhaps taking a cue from New York’s plan for random searches, I noticed that TriMet was stepping up fare inspections. I think this is an overly simplistic reaction. The terrorists could scare and terrorize us in many ways, as this site points out. For example:

Terrorists might convince the corn crops not to mature
Terrorists might throw the nation’s largest pancake breakfast
Terrorists might multi-mall truck bomb attacks near Thanksgiving
Terrorists might suicide bomb a sporting event
Terrorists might kill the head of every fortune 500 company when he went out to get his morning paper
Terrorists might use model rockets to transport copper wire onto high-voltage power transformers, grounding them.
Terrorists might destroy railroad tracks with a rented forklift
Terrorists might infect the bills and coins of the US with disease or poison
Terrorists might remove all the pictograph buttons from fast food cash registers
Terrorists might set off a nuclear powerplant
Terrorists might cover a location with tons of thermite
Terrorists might bury all the gold in Ft. Knox
Terrorists might hijack a Sausage & Cheese cart and slowly destroy the economy of the mall
Terrorists might reveal the secret societies of the Skulls “secret handshakes”.
Terrorists might rig all the bridges over the Potomac with explosives and detonate them during rush hour.
Terrorists might Uhaul truck bomb Wall Street
Terrorists might bring down the internet forcing nerds to find more constructive pursuits.
Terrorists might fly a jumbo jet into a nuclear reprocessing facility
Terrorists might build a pretzel catapult to assassinate the president
Terrorists might take over the emergency broadcasting system and replace our television programming with a large, hypnotizing wheel.

Not the internet! I’d happily waive every one of my silly ‘freedoms’ granted by the Constitution to protect that.

Update 7/25/2005:Trimet must be reading my blog. In what may have been a response to my sarcasm, they rolled in with (what I’m assuming was) a bomb-sniffing dog at Pioneer Square. If it was a drug-sniffing dog, I’m going to have to point out that their priorities are in the wrong place entirely.

This is half blog post, half reminder to myself: The Dude Goes Bowling, an “evening of Lebowski fun”, is coming to my neighborhood bowling alley. Go AMF Pro 300! I’ve got to track down my bath robe (among other things). Kids, if you haven’t seen The Big Lebowski, do yourself a favor and rent it. Seriously. It’s the most important movie to come out in the nineties.

So everybody please join me for this event on July 26 at 8 PM. It’s $8, which covers shoes, music, and bowling for the night. White Russians are extra.

News courtesy of The Mercury.

Get ready for the Colbert Report!

I’m looking forward to interviews like this one:

Colbert: In street lingo, are you running to stick it to the Man?
Sharpton: I don’t know on what street you got that language.
Colbert: The urban street. The mean streets.
Sharpton: I’m sticking up for a lot of people that have felt that no one has stuck up for them. But I’m not trying to stick it to anyone.
Colbert: Not even . . . the Man?
Sharpton: Who’s the Man?
Colbert: Let’s pretend for a moment that I’m the Man. Now stick it to me.
Sharpton: I’m not sticking it to anyone.
Colbert: Not even the Man? He’s very stickable.

Woohoo!

I’m getting pumped up for the August 14 Providence Bridge Pedal, a tour of 10 Portland bridges on bicycle. I’ll be hitting all 10 bridges for the 38-mile ride, and it’s going to be really nice to get a chance to take pictures of downtown from the top of the Marquam bridge. This bridge is usually inaccessible on a bike, since it’s part of the I-5 freeway. I’m not sure how they’re working all this out, but they’ll be closing I-5 to traffic for several hours. Apparently the ride draws about 15,000 cyclists and it’s the second-largest community cycling event in the United Stats.

I just got back from a double century ride (that’s 20 miles to you non-cyclists) to find this news on The Fat Cyclist (btw, read the rest of his blog for more awesomeness):

Donald Trump Buys Tour de France!

Announces Immediate Intention to Turn Venerable European Racing Institution into US-Friendly Reality Show

Paris, July 1 (Fat Cyclist News Service) - In a stunning announcement on the eve of the world’s most popular sporting event, Donald Trump has revealed that he has purchased all rights to the Tour de France.

With his usual flair for the dramatic, the Donald declared his immediate intention to overhaul the tradition-rich race.

Speaking from the Trump Building in NYC, Trump proclaimed in a media conference, “The French have had their turn. They’ve tried to make something of this race, but I just don’t think they see the possibilities. The Donald is ready to step The Tour up a notch. I will guarantee you that by the end of Season One, this will be the number-one-rated show on television. And by “number one” I don’t just mean in little one-horse countries like Belgium. The Tour will be popular in places that matter. Namely, in America.”

“I don’t think I’m being overdramatic when I say that this is going to be the hugest reality show in the history of television. With the exception of The Apprentice, naturally,” said Trump.

Big Changes to a Big Race
Donald Trump may be the only man in the world capable of turning a century-old race on its head overnight. While cycling enthusiasts across Europe appeared outraged, they were unfortunately outraged in dozens of quaint-sounding languages, reducing their concerns to amusing-anecdote level.

Trump, meanwhile, seems confident. “If you’re the world’s best surgeon and you come across a patient dying because the local quack has been using leeches on him, do you keep using leeches? Darn right you don’t.”

Among the changes in the three-week race — which begins tomorrow — some of the most significant are:

• Last Man Standing: Of course, the most important objective of the Tour de France has always been to finish with the shortest accumulated time. “That’s an incredibly pedestrian — not to mention outdated — way of doing a race, kids,” says Trump. In this season’s Race, the objective will be to be the only one to finish the race.” Racers will be eliminated each day using the following methods:
  • Last across the line is out: Between every 10 and 20 miles — the exact distance and location will not be made known to the riders, so they will not know where it is until they see it — a black line will be discreetly drawn across the road. The last racer across the line is immediately ejected from the race, in a highly visual manner. The manner will vary, ranging from the rider being shot with 10 paintballs simultaneously to having a helicopter slurry bomb the racer with black paint to having several burly ment tackle the racer from the side of the road.
  • Grudge Match: Between traditional stages, any racer can challenge any other racer to a “Grudge Match” — a 5-mile bicycle course with multiple hazards (tire fires, broken glass, Michael Jackson) strewn along the way. The loser is out of the race. (To keep things fari, no racer is allowed to initiate more than three Grudge Matches, and no racer is required to accept any more than three).
  • “You’re Retired”: Borrowed from his trademark “You’re Fired” line in “The Apprentice,” The Donald will tell any racer he was not impressed with for some reason or another (too much drafting, irregular sprint, tacky outfit), “You’re retired.” That cyclist is out of the race. The Donald’s decision is not subject to appeal.
• Gear Restrictions Lifted: Tour de France riders have long been hobbled by stringent gear rules — the type of bike, handlebars, clothing, helmets have all been tightly regulated. No more. “I can’t think of a more effective way to limit innovation than all these rules,” says Trump. “From now on, ride what you want. Just make sure it’s human-powered, all right? Or if it’s got an engine, I’d better not be able to see it.”
• Yellow Jersey replaced with Red, White, and Blue Jersey: “Yellow is the color of cowardice,” said Trump. “Let’s have the winner’s jersey use some colors that Americans can identify with.” When told that the French flag uses the same colors, Trump responded, “Whatever.”
• Name Change: “The Tour de France? What kind of name is that?” asked Mr. Trump at the media conference. It’s long, it’s dry, and it has no urgency or tension. In fact, it sounds like a stroll in the park. It’s like, ‘Honey, I’m in a mood for a European jaunt. Let’s take a tour de France,’” said Trump in a derisive tone. “From now on, this is ‘The Race.’ It’s short, it’s to the point, and it’s got pop. It’s not just a race. It’s THE RACE.”
• Drug Rules Changed to Drug Guidelines: “Listen, I’m not pro-drug,” said Trump, “but these racers are all adults, and I’m not going to be the one to tell them what they can and cannot eat or drink. Just stay away from the hard stuff.” When asked what constitutes “hard stuff,” Trump replied, “I dunno. Crack?”
• The Randomizer Roulette: At the end of each stage, each surviving racer will spin a roulette will, which will, depending on where the wheel stops, improve his standings, give him a bottle of EPO for use in the next stage, require him to wear a 1980’s-style helmet, add 10 pounds to his bike, give him the day off, or eject him from the race entirely.
• Downhill MTB Event: Noting that several stages in a traditional Tour de France are straight, flat, and do little to change racer standings, Trump is replacing all flat stages with downhill MTB stages. “Sure, these guys can ride fast on the road, but let’s see what happens when they’re taken out of their comfort zone,” said Trump.
• Tyler Hamilton Back in the Race. Tyler Hamilton will be allowed to race in The Race, although he will be forced to ride the entire race as a solo time trial. “Did you see that kid do that solo breakaway with a compound-fracture busted leg a couple of years ago?” asked Trump, evidently meaning Hamilton’s hairline collarbone fracture. “That took guts. Let’s see if he can do that for three weeks.” Oddsmakers place Hamilton’s chances at 0.00001%, unless he wins the EPO roulette, at which point his odds go to 40%.
• Human Interest via Heartfelt Accusations and Confessionals: Between stages, racers will be encouraged to make disparaging remarks about each other, as well as confess — weepily — their doubts about whether they will be able to even finish the race. “Who’re you going to root for, a robot or someone you’re emotionally invested in?” asked Trump. “By the time that one guy crosses the finish line, you’re going to know him like your own brother.”

The Riders React
Participants in “The Race” have had mixed reactions to this sudden and dramatic shift in the objective and tactics sprung on them by The Donald. Several European racers said several things very effusively, but Trump refused to have them translated. “These guys are not the stars. I’d be very surprised if one of them won,” said Trump with a wink. “Not that I’m rigging The Race. It’s strictly above-board.”

Approached for comment, six-time Tour de France winner Lance Armstrong said, “Well, this is a little unusual. But it sounds like fun. Frankly, I was starting to lose interest in the way the race use to be run, so this should make a good change.”

Floyd Landis, leader of team Phonak, seemed less certain. “I can’t believe they made me shave off my goatee,” he said. “This makeup artist said it just ‘doesn’t work.’ I don’t get it.”
Levi Leipheimer was not available for comment; his publicist said he was being fitted with a hairpiece, to make him more appealing to the highly-sought-after pre-teen demographic.

Check Your Local Listings
“The Race” premiers tomorrow on NBC at 7:00 PM. OLN, which previously had the rights to broadcast the Tour de France in the US, will play non-stop rodeo in its place.

A Flickr user has posted shots of a whiteboard with Google’s master plan!

Slashdot has a great thread discussing the case of a man who was arrested in Florida for parking outside someone’s home and using their open wireless network. There are many perspectives offered, and many people struggling to find a fitting analogy. I don’t know if there is one for this case but the situation, and others like it, deserves scrutiny. There are swarms of unsecured wireless networks in the United States, and no comprehensive set of laws governing their use.

I was surprised to see a large number of Slashdotters blaming the person accessing the network, and ignoring the person who was leaving an unsecured network connection in the public space. If you have an Internet connection and take no measures to secure it, and someone uses it to commit a crime, you are liable. Period.

The proliferation of unsecured networks poses an unprecedented problem of what to do with people who don’t take measures to protect them. Should it be illegal to fail to secure your network? I don’t see how this would solve the problem, since it would be about as effective as outlawing negligence. Most people fail to secure their networks because they don’t understand how to do it, don’t care, or don’t believe it matters.

This situation will eventually come to a head when unsecured wireless networks begin to be exploited on a large scale for criminal purposes. I can see spammers, child pornographers, or (*gasp!*) file swappers using unsecured wifi (or at least a few high profile cases of people being caught doing this) , along with a some shiny statistics, pushing this issue to the headlines. This may or may not change things, but it will certainly spawn more analogy-making among the philosophically inclined.

My personal analogy is this: You have two cows. You tie them up outside on the sidewalk, and when someone comes by and drinks some milk you charge them with theft.